Conversation: 9/11

[Two men watching 9/11 unfold on television in the breakroom at work.]

Andrew Lee Hunn: Well, there it is, it’s a wonder it took this long for it to happen. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.

Red Neck: You didn’t know it. How could you know what those monsters’ll do.

ALH: For starters, planes have been hijacked for at least as long as I’ve been alive, and the World Trade Center was already bombed just a few years ago, remember?

RN: Yeah, but this is Amerca! You can’t get away with that shit against us! We’ll nuke those Gyptians back to the Stone Age!

ALH: Who is there to nuke? I don’t think your “Gyptians” had anything to do with it.

RN: Nuke Iraq, or that Ka-Daffy asshole. It’s what we shoulda done the first time.

ALH: So, by vaporizing millions of innocent people and sending radioactive fallout around the globe, that will solve the problem?

RN: They’re not innocent; they hate us.

ALH: If I hated you, would you nuke me too?

RN: What’re you saying? You’re Amercan.

ALH: Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m Muslim, or a godless atheist. Or a Democrat. Maybe I worship a golden calf and hump other men. Would that make it easier for you to nuke me?

RN: Now that’s just crazy talk. I couldn’t nuke you if you were right here next to me.

ALH: What then? Shoot me? Lock me up?

RN: [Pauses for a moment.] Why you getting all upset? [Pointing at the television.] That’s who you should be angry with. Those terrists attacked us.

ALH: Oh, come on now. You know damn well this could have been stopped. A couple of days and there’ll be a whistleblower telling how some agency didn’t want to cooperate with another agency, and there’ll be some stupid slack-jawed hick telling how he never suspected the terrorists of wanting to kill people with the weapons he sold them.

RN: You’re just a know-it-all; you don’t know that.

ALH: How come you don’t know it? It’s what happens every time. Every damn time there’s a disaster, some memo gets leaked that incriminates inept officials who were too busy kissing ass to do their jobs right.

RN: You can’t believe everything you read.

ALH: [Stony silence. Wisps of smoke seem to be emanating from his ears.]

RN: They’s just politics. What we need is to go back to the old ways, and keep them foreigners—

ALH: DID YOU GO TO CHURCH?

RN: Sure do. Whenever I can.

ALH: Did you listen or did you fall asleep?

RN: I listen to the Lord’s Gospel Truth. Are you—

ALH: What’s the Sixth Commandment?

RN: Well that’s easy, that’s…um…

ALH: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife?

RN: Yeah, that sounds right.

ALH: It’s THOU SHALT NOT KILL. I’m a fucking atheist and I know it; why the fuck don’t you?

RN: Now you don’t need to be so ups—

ALH: You were just advocating killing people. Why?

RN: Don’t you know how it is? An eye for an eye, kid. That’s the Bible.

ALH: Did you read the Bible?

RN: All the time. There’s lots of killing in it.

ALH: Sure you read it. What happens to murderers, according to the Bible? No, don’t answer, I’ll make it easy for you. They go to Hell for disobeying the will of the Lord. Yeah, there’s lots of fire and brimstone and people dying in the old book, but they ain’t doing it to get to heaven, you damned fool. Is that what you want? Do you want to burn in hell along with those bearded foreigners whose blood you’re so anxious to spill?

RN: You know, you’re just like them. They get kids when they’re young and angry, and tell ‘em they’ll have lots of virgins in heaven if they just blow themselves up. That’s what makes Amercans better.

ALH: Have you ever heard the phrase “Humility conquers pride?”

RN: What’s that? Did you get that outta one of those books you’re always reading?

ALH: Yeah. And you should have heard it in church. Pride is a sin. Humility conquers pride. You must be humble before the Lord. And there you are, you fucking flag-waving redneck, thinking you’re better than everyone one of God’s creatures just because you’re an “Amercan,” when you don’t even have any idea what that means, or what your ancestors were fleeing from in coming here.

RN: Well if you don’t like it here, why don’t you just leave…hey, where you goin’?

ALH: I’m going to check the job postings. Maybe they’ve got something near the South Pole; I hear penguins are good conversationalists.