Happy Holidays!
Yours truly...
Oh, goodness, what a laugh. I was tempted to leave this letter at that, but I started writing because I wanted to point out some obvious things to you. This time every year, I hear cranky people having knee-jerk responses to hearing “Happy Holidays” and frankly it’s grating because when someone wishes you Happy Holidays, you’re supposed to take it as a nice gesture and return it in some way. But with wingnuts like yourselves, well, it’s all about YOU, isn’t it? Unlike the rest of us, you just can’t bother to try to understand people, and you certainly won’t return a favor. In fact I don’t know why I’m bothering trying here to enlighten you, since I know from experience it won’t work, but I guess that’s the difference between us—at least I try to help people understand each other.
‘Tis the season for charity, after all, so here’s a few things I’d like you to note about your favorite time of year:
1) It’s not only YOUR favorite time of year. Get a load of that guy, wrapped in white. This time every year, he fasts from sunrise to sunset during something called Ramadan. I kid you not! And that woman, with the colorful robes and dignified countenance. She celebrates Christmas, but then a bunch more days after called Kwanzaa! Get outta here! And how about the little guy in black with the braids and beard. He celebrates something from before Christ was born, and his kids get a present every day for eight days! How cool is that! Man, get a load of that woman with the red dot on her forehead! Who knows what she celebrates? “Merry Christmas” might not cover it, don’t you think?
2) Even in your household, there’s more than one holiday. Have you forgotten Thanksgiving and New Year’s? Someone wishing you Happy Holidays may not know if they will see you again anytime soon, so they cover the whole season in one swift stroke, rather than awkwardly cataloging the upcoming calendar. Isn’t that nice of them, not wasting your time?
3) There’s this kooky thing called the Winter Solstice that every known culture throughout history has observed and usually celebrated, and the only reason we call it Christmas now is because Europe’s pagans were too stubborn to give it up, so your Christian forbears slapped Jesus’ name all over it, fixed it on the 25th, and acted like it had never been any different. Did you hear that pagans? Now’s the time to convert; it’s never been easier! Call now and we’ll even throw in these handy snow tires!
4) Businesses are out to make money, and it does not pay to play favorites with Christians. (Especially those tightwad Methodists.) Any business owner will tell you that he will proudly accept cash, check, or charge from all comers, be they Wiccan, Jew, Muslim, Sikh, Rastafarian, Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, animist, or shucks, even those godless atheists. Since you wingnuts are all Republicans, I though you of all people would understand this. The next time a business proudly puts up a Happy Holidays banner, remember: God loves Capitalism!
5) In the U.S. there’s a little thing called “separation of church and state” and it’s the reason you’re free to go to your Evangelical church (don’t deny it) as well as the key difference between our government and that of, say Saudi Arabia or China. People are happier when free to practice their own beliefs in both public and private, and more likely to investigate nature, invent new things, make beautiful art and music, and just generally slap each other on the back and say things like “Happy Holiday.” So don’t get angry if you have to go to church to see a nativity scene and not to the courthouse. Who wants to go to a courthouse anyway? Besides, would you really want to see the Wiccan symbol there, too? How about the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Our government is supposed to represent ALL of us. Happy Ho-Ho-whole-lotta Holidays!
6) I’ve even heard some of you on the radio bitching about seeing “Xmas” on packages and cards from friends, and how they’re all so ignorant for bastardizing such a holy day. Well, if you’d cracked open a book once in awhile or spent 30 seconds on the internet, you would know that “X” is a pretty versatile symbol, even representing Christ. “Xmas” is an acceptable abbreviation of Christmas—imagine that! Your friends didn’t take the Christ out of Christmas!
7) No, the phrase “Happy Holidays” itself wasn’t a recent invention of the “liberal” media or whatever conspiracy-of-the-week you’re imagining is polluting your children’s minds. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that timeless classic, “Happy Holidays,” sung by that good Christian soldier Bing Crosby (they’re bound to let him out of Hell someday) for his classic movie, Holiday Inn, which of course is a hotel open for the holiday SEASON. That was in 1942. < sigh>
Geez, get it together Christians. You guys are supposed to know this stuff! Do you think Christ himself would be ornery and intolerant this time of year? (Maybe around Easter…)
Yours truly,
Andrew Lee Hunn
